10/23/08 - A Very Sad Ultrasound

7w2d Ultrasound ~ Baby measuring 6w0d ~ h/b 88 bpm

Not the news we were hoping for. It will be a miracle if s/he makes it. We have a follow up ultrasound on 10/29, but this pregnancy is expected to miscarry.

Everything "baby" is packed up and put away and the fertility books are back out on the coffee table. Back to square one, with my innocence gone and my heart broken.

I don't know how to feel or how to think about anything. I'm so angry. I've never in my life cried as much as I've cried today. This is a pain unlike any pain I've ever felt. And it's the hugest loss ever...the loss of my first child. I don't understand, and I just want to know why. Why is this happening to me?

All that everything happens for a reason crap...well that is just bullshit. There is NO reason for this. And all that in God's time...well, I'm having a hard time understanding how God can let me lose a baby, a grandfather, have an injured grandmother, and a divorcing mom all at one time. I've lost a bit of faith this time around, and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back.