9/6/08 - Infertility Ramble

When I'm with my neices, it's hard not to imagine what it would be like if they were mine. And people ask you ALL the time if you have children. And they don't mean to make you sad, I know this. The paramedics on Thursday asked "Any chance you are pregnant". I started crying, of course. And Mother's Day. God. Let me tell you how much THAT sucks. August was my cycle to get preggers to have a baby in my arms on Mother's Day, so I have to face that day again.

It's hard to find the balance for being sincerely happy for people who have families and can conceive and being insanely jealous that I can't have the same. At least not without a medical miracle, adoption, or possibly not at all. The fact that I do have to think about a child-free family makes me queasy, but it is a reality. I want the knitted gifts, and the baby shower, and the belly pics, ya know? But that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it for other people...there is just a little pain in my heart when I see it.

I'm technically on my fifth IUI cycle. The first was cancelled, the second was negative, the third I had that cyst, the fourth was negative, so this is my LAST oral med IUI. I have a consult with my RE for the end of my cycle to sit down and discuss the next step. I talked to my nurse about what to expect financially. My procedure costs will go up from $220 a cycle to $595 a cycle. That doesn't include the meds. The Clomid and Femara have been covered so far by my insurance, but I don't know if the injects will. Could costs us thousands. We're praying that is not the case. And injects...hello, either me or Scott are going to have to give me a shot EVERY day.