Well, it's offiical...I'm PREGNANT!

Clearblue Easy Digital told me so! Ah...it's a beautiful thing!



I can tell you that my heart was beating out of my chest waiting for that loverly word. PREGNANT! Joy! I'm going to embrace each day of this pregnancy, and remain hopeful and optimistic that this little bug will land in our arms in June.

5dp5dt - What is that I see?

Two days ago we thought we saw a shadow of something. Yesterday we were sure we saw a line, but we weren't sure if it was real or an evaporation line. Today, well, today we're sure...it's a beautiful, pink line!



We're obviously VERY cautious at this point, but we're very excited too. This is our second chance at having a June baby or two. Or three. Uh oh!

My beta is on Saturday. Please GOD let it be a good one! We're begging and pleading for a healthy baby.

EDD June 13, 2010

4dp5dt - Well, I dunno...I see something, I think

Okay, what the heck. Light as light can be...in fact, I'm sure you won't be able to see it. I'm still not sure if we can see it in person, but we think we can. Those of you that are professional HPT analyzers will do okay, but the rest of you need to back away from the screen and don't look too hard. ;-)



It's still a day earlier than I tested positive for my previous transfer, and things are progressively going in the right direction, but I'm not ready to claim this is a positive yet.

As Karen would say...

...I think I see where the line is SUPPOSED to be. Keep in mind, it's WAY too early for me to be testing so I will not be upset if no one else can see it. Heck, I'm not sure I can see it, and Scott thinks it's an optical illusion. Yep, I'm trippin for sure! But this gives me a tiny glimmer of hope to get through until tomorrow night!



And tweaked at 100% saturation...

3dp5dt - I'm just not feeling it...

I pray to God that I am wrong. I wasn't feeling it at 3dp5dt after my IVF either, and three days later I got a BFP. Here's to Wednesday, and the hope for two pink lines!

It's amazing that my boobs don't hurt considering how many times I've smashed the hell out of them over the past 24 hours. But unfortunately, nothing. Not one iota of tenderness to speak of. Sigh. Such is life, right?

Symptoms to take note of:
* Crampy in my uterus - often off to the right side only. Funny, since there is no corpus luteaum to cause any pain. Who knows...I had this same thing going on last month. Cramps are usually a good sign for me, but she fished around a lot doing my transfer, so my cervix could be yelling back at me.
* Little bouts of nausea here and there, but not enough to make me think, hey, morning sickness. It's too early anyways. But oh how I would love to barf right about now.
* Serious hot flashes yesterday. Turn the A/C on. Turn it off. Turn it on. Then again, it was 100 degrees.

I can't imagine this not working. It has to work. I told my girlfriend, Pam, that I'd almost rather have another m/c then to get a BFN. How sick is that? My mind is surely twisted and jaded from the past year. I SO want to move on with my friends and be pregnant. I don't want to be left TTC into a 6th year.

Lord, please hear my prayers.

2dp5dt - Bring on the symptoms!

Well I was super crampy Friday and Saturday, but absolutely nothing today. Could have been implantation, but I woke up with a bad feeling that this transfer has failed. Not a good morning. I have been optimistic about every single transfer I've had, but for some reason, I'm not feeling it this time. I don't want to feel that way but I do, and I really hope I'm wrong. I looked back through my journal, and I need sore boobs and AF cramps to come on Monday/Tuesday. So BRING it on please.

9/25/09 - It's TRANSFER day!!!

I battled with the decision of 3 vs. 4 all day yesterday, and even waking up this morning wondered if I should call and have #4 thawed. As I was getting ready, I put on my necklace from my miscarriage group - three pearls on a lily pad, I put on my bracelet from my Miracle Chaser support group - three butterflies, I thought of my three angels in heaven, and that physic that kept saying she saw the number three. Our embryos had no thaw issues, and three little ones are now in my womb. My beta is on the 3rd, ironically enough. I'm no longer questioning my decision. The message doesn't get any more clearer than that!



Here are our cold, lil' snowbabies all cuddled up still. We all laughed about the one that is flat on the side, and agreed that s/he took after daddy's side of the family.

9/24/09 - What to do, what to do???

Our dilema...I have four day 6 blasts in the lab (4BB, 4BB, 4BB-, 3BB-). My transfer is tomorrow and my RE is waiting on my decision to put in the lab order:

Your name is written on my hand as I remembered last night when I was in a meeting that I hadn’t circled back to you. (Luckily I didn’t shower it off this morning!)

I heard back, and Dr Ivani, the lab director, did not feel it would be good to thaw and biopsy and rethaw your 4th embryo. It could be done, but not great if it was in fact a healthy embryo to impact it in such a way. Therefore she recommended either 4 or just 3 and save the 4th. Several of the docs were OK with 4 embryos to transfer given your situation. I am still uncomfortable with that as I have seen triplets in folks like you. However, If you want all 4, I will do that.

Please email me back with the number you want as I need to put the lab orders in today. Cant wait!

Here is the deal though, if we have to do IVF again, we're doing PGD testing, so this fourth blastocyst, if we don't transfer it now, may never get transferred. BUT, I do not want to carry more than two babies. I'm not sure my body can handle it at this age and I don't want the risk to the babies.

**********************

I think I'm leaning towards three, just because I do not want to carry trips and I absolutely will NOT reduce. But ugh...then I lean back to four because of the chromosomal issues. I guess I'm still very much mulling it over. LOL! I told her I'd have an answer by 11:00 AM. One more hour.

**********************

Okay, done deal! I'm very much at peace with this decision.

My message:

After racking my brain of every scenario vs. outcome, I’ve decided that I would like to thaw and transfer three. If there is any quality degradation, I would like to thaw the fourth and transfer it as well. I figured that is the closest way of putting this decision into God’s hands – we’ll let the embryos decide.

RE's immediate response:

I think that is a great decision, and as I said before, if the 1st 3 don’t make it despite looking good, I doubt the 4th would have been the solution. If there is any question about the quality upon thaw, I will have the lab thaw the 4th.

9/23/09 - Ouch!

My shots have been hurting. The PIO needle and Lovenox meds are both stinging like mad. But on we go...it's for baby! Babies!

9/18/09 - FET #2 date set!

My transfer date is locked in!!! I start progesterone shots and suppositories on Sunday, steroid and antibiotic on Tuesday, transfer is on Friday. My beta to confirm pregnancy is 10/3. My due date will be June 12, 2010. My due date from my first pregnancy was June 9, 2009.

9/17/09 - FET #2 Ultrasound

Back in the saddle...here we go again!

Heading in for an ultrasound and bloodwork today. Today's appointment is to check to make sure I don't have active follicles - the body has to be suppressed for a frozen embryos transfer so we don't want my natural cycle interfering with the medical override, and to make sure my uterine lining is nice and thick. If all is well, I will start progesterone shots, a steroid and an antibiotic in the coming week and transfer will be next week.

Dr. H doesn't think four will happen after all, so we're back to three for now. RSC is very conservative about preventing high order multiples. She had to send an email to all of the doctors at the clinic. They each will review my history and decide on three or four. She feels that ultimately she won't get the majority to approve transferring four. We'll see.

Still waiting on the call for my transfer date. I'm anxious to have a final schedule!

9/8/09 - FET #2 Schedule

Okay, here we go!

9/05/09 - CD1
9/06/09 - Start Estrogen & Baby Aspirin
9/17/09 - Ultrasound/Estrogen Test/Acupuncture
9/19/09 - Start Progesterone Shots
9/25/09 - Transfer 3-4 Embryos/Pre & Post Acupuncture
10/3/09 - Beta!!!
6/12/10 - Due Date!!!

9/7/09 - AF with a vengeance

AF came on with a VENGEANCE on Saturday morning. HEAVY bleeding, bad cramping. We didn't let it put a damper on our weekend, but it was quite the nuisance. Started estrogen on Sunday. Frozen embryo transfer will be the week of 9/21. Due date: June 2010!!!!!

8/20/09 - D&C Follow-up Appt

Good appt today. Ovaries are working, egg white CM is active (estrogen pumping) and I've got follicles cooking. My lining looked GREAT, triple stripe - slightly thicker on the side the baby implanted on but no complications from the D&C. Whew!

The pathology reports were back. My baby was a girl. I am crying SO hard right now. She had a severe and very rare chromosomal abnormality called tetrapoloid. When the emybyo was dividing, one of the cells got on the wrong side and continued to divide. A normal baby is 46XX or 46XY. She was 92XXXX – four times the normal chromosomes. A tetraploid baby is not compatible with life, so she never would have made it.

Dr. Hinckley shocked the shit out of me. I said "so I should call you when I get the 2nd AF"? And she said "No, call me when you get the next one and we'll start getting you ready for next transfer". We're going to transfer three this time, and if there is any quality degradation, then we'll transfer four. Yikes! Quads!

She said AF should show in about two weeks. That would put transfer around September 20 - 26. Any babies conceived would be due late June/early July 2010.

Back in business!

8/11/09 - A precious gift

I received THE most precious gift today from two girls from my November miscarriage support group. Everyone in that group is pregnant again but me. They sent this (the one on the right) saying that they thought it was a gentle way for me to carry my three babies (one pearl for each) with me. I am so touched.


Photo courtesy of Red Envelope.

8/8/09 - Recovering

Just spotting again this morning, but I'm keeping this flight landing diaper of a pad in place just in case. Do y'all know how much I HATE these "regular" panties too. I miss my thongs.

8/8/09 - Feeling horrible

My boss told me when I left work yesterday that I looked really bad, very pale. I came home from work with a headache...migraine actually, that I had been fighting the whole afternoon. I took my Colace and motrin at 6:30 and went to bed. Yes, at 6:30 PM. Woke up at 3:30 to pretty bad cramping. ***TMI***Got up, went to the bathroom and I was covered in blood. My panties, my PJs, and it had just hit the sheets. Scott was so sweet to change the sheets while I was cleaning myself up. I passed a few rather large clots...lining I suppose. My RE had told me that she had taken less rather than more because she didn't want to scar my uterus. I guess my body has just kicked in to clean out the rest. I seem to be okay this morning - just heavy bleeding. My head still hurts and my face is swollen like I cried all night even though I didn't. I guess I'll be laying VERY low this weekend.

This SUCKS.

8/4/09 - Feeling so alone

I don't really need anyone to be there, per say, since the physical part of this will happen in a hospital. My mom will be with me tomorrow, and tomorrow will be the worst of it, I'd imagine.

But a phone call saying, "Is there anything I can do" or something like that would have been nice. I always get the "I haven't called because I don't know what to say". And they don't even call me about their own drama because they don't want to add additional stress. I feel like infertility has completely isolated me from my friends and ruined my life. I hate it.

8/3/09 - 6w6d - D&C Scheduled

No heartbeat. No growth. I'm having a D&C Wednesday so they can test the baby/placenta to see if it's an abnormal male/female or a normal male/female.

Scott and I had a pitcher of margaritas tonight...whew...I'm QUITE the light weight these days.

I'll stay on progesterone for two more days to keep from m/c naturally. The whole reason for the D&C is so we can test the baby/placenta and get some answers. My mom will come out tomorrow night and stay over to take me. Scott started back to teaching this week and there is no reason for him to be there for this.

Numb...just numb.

7/31/09 - 6w3d - Threatened Miscarriage

I had SEVERE cramping in the middle of the night. Fully expected to wake up covered in blood. I never did talk to my RE yesterday, but I need to talk to her today. This cramping was not normal. It was far worse than any TOM cramping I've ever had. It was right up there with my m/c cramps in November. I don't think my pregnancy will make it. I do think my body is trying to expel this baby.

My ultrasound today confirmed what I was feeling. No yolk sac, no heartbeat, just a little fetal pole measuring at 6 weeks with no cardiac activity. I've been downgraded from "High Risk Pregnancy" to "Threatened Miscarriage". I go in on Monday to confirm that there is still no heartbeat, and then I'll be scheduled for a D&C next week. She said that based on how horrific my November m/c was that she didn't want me to go through that again, and she wants to be able to test the fetus for defects.

We'll transfer two more frozen blastocysts, then we'll move on to another fresh cycle before the end of the year and save the two other frozen blasts for later.

This is so unreal.

7/30/09 - Bleeding Scare

Had a scare last night. Thought it was over. I was sitting on the couch and got bad period cramps. Went to the bathroom and had red blood. Got out the "miscarriage panties" and a pad. Expected it to be over this morning - even talked to my nurse about it last night. This morning there was nothing on the pad. I have brown spotting (old blood), but cramping is gone and no red blood. I have NO idea what is going on, but I'm thankful for another day of this pregnancy.

7/29/09 - 6w1d Ultrasound

I don't have a good update, but it could be worse. So there is a baby, and s/he is growing, but s/he is growing VERY slowly. We were able to see a dot of a baby. She couldn't measure my yolk sac because it was blending in with the edge of the gestational sac and the placenta (if I understood her correctly) and she couldn't get a clear enough image of the edges. She *thought* she could see cardiac activity when we zoomed in, but barely. She said she had hoped to have seen more today based on where I was on Sunday. It really can go either way for us at this point. I go back in on Monday at 4:15 to see if there is a heartbeat or not.

7/27/09 - 5w6d - I'm a little bit angry

Beta was 5503, which is average for 26dpo, but not that great considering where I was at 20dpo. It really could go either way. We could be repeating my pregnancy from last year, or we could be okay. The next appointment will be the turning point...either there will be a heartbeat, or there will not. If there isn't, then this probably isn't going to end well for me.

I'm relatively calm. Maybe numb is more like it. A little bit angry that something that comes all too easy for so many people is so heartbreaking and difficult for me. Like I'm cursed or being punished. I just don't get it. But it is what it is. I can't change it...all I can do is hope for the best.

7/26/09 - 5w5d - Measuring behind :(

Well, we saw a gestational sac measuring behind at 5 weeks (should be 5w5d), and the yolk sac which I couldn't see, but the RE did. No fetal pole yet. She didn't seem concerned - said this was exactly what she expected to see at this stage, but the fact that we are measuring behind (again) concerns me.



Waiting on my beta/P4 still. I was scheduled for my 6 week u/s on Tuesday, but we moved it out to Friday so we have a better shot at seeing a heartbeat. This is just ALL to similar to my first pregnancy/loss. All I can do is pray and have hope for this little one.

I hate that I have so much fear and so little joy about something that should be the absolute BEST thing in my life.

7/25/09 - 5w4d - Spotting and Cramping

Looks like I might be losing #3. Cramping and spotting. I have an appointment tomorrow for my blood draw to see if my HCG has dropped. It's not looking good at all. I just can't even believe this is happening to me.

ETA: Just got off the phone with Sara. They're going to do an u/s tomorrow. Hopefully we see a little heart beating away. Hopefully.

7/23/09 - 5w2d - Let's talk PIO

Let's talk about PIO. First shot - not that bad, second shot - no problem, third shot - bled and bruised. Fast forward to a week later, and all the injection sites are sore and lumpy, which is apparently normal. I feel asleep last night with a heating pad (not electic - one that you microwave) laying over my poor hips. I can't imagine 5 more weeks of this. Seems like it's going to be hard to find a spot to inject once it's all sore and lumpy. But whatever hte baby needs, I'll do it.

I'm TERRIFED about my u/s on Tuesday. I mean, I'm calm and relaxed now, but OMG. PLEASE GOD let his/her heart be beating up a storm.

Symptom ramblings...
-Boobs are still sore - they kinda go in and out in intensity and never seem to hurt when I first wake up but I've gotten used to it so I don't panic anymore.
-I'm TIRED...would LOVE a nap at 2pm, and I'm usually in bed by 8-9pm and zonked OUT these days.
-Peeing a lot, but I'm drinking a lot of water.
-Eating way too much, but luckily not gaining any weight. Need to get a grip on this STAT. Meat is an issue and I need to start subbing protein somehow. Will ask Dr. H what she suggests. Trying to much on fruits and not carbs, but carbs are calling to me.
-Gagged brushing my teeth this morning which thrilled me to no end!

7/20/09 - 4w6d - Beta #4

660 would be the bare bones minimum, but we want WAY more than that. 842 is the "average" beta score for 20dpo. Realistically, I'd like to be over 750, but over 800 would be even better. We'll see how it goes.

My boobs are less tender today, and while that does waiver, it freaks me out. And I've been crampy, which always causes concern and panic.

Praing for big numbers.

UPDATE: 1002!!! Go Clover, go! Woohoo

I'm still going to be hesitant until I get a strong heartbeat and make it to the 2nd trimester which would be in mid September. There is never a guarantee, obviously, but things look really good!

It's so hard to be pregnant after loss and infertility. It really sucks the joy out of it. I want to tell my dad and our siblings SO bad, but I can't. Because I've had it go well only to have it all ripped out of my hands. I don't think that is going to happen. I do believe that I will have this baby in March. But it's very scary.

7/18/09 - 4w4d weeks

Beta #3 was 330. A bit lower than I had hoped for, but well above a 48 hour doubling time. Slow and steady wins the race. My progesterone is up from 11 to 28 which is much better...the big ugly needle is doing it's job!

Keeping on 1cc of PIO
Dropping to 2 Endometrin (suppositories) per day - thank God!
Staying on 4x a day of Estrace (estrogen)

On we go...beta #4 on Monday!

Breathe, smile, breathe, smile, breathe...not out of the woods, but I'm off the ground and climing up the tree trunk!

Grow Clover, Grow!!!

7/17/09 - 4w3d - Starting PIO

I didn't test this morning. I'm going to just wait until my blood test tomorrow so I don't agonize for hours over things that are out of my hands. I can't change anything, so we'll just let be what will be and pray for the best.

I am worried about tomorrow. I won't lie about that. If the number comes back under 275, then we probably have a problem. If it comes back between 275 and 350, then I will probably still have some concern. If my number comes back over 350, I'll be able to relax a bit. I might even go buy myself something cute for the baby at Target. Pray for us please.

My boobies are still killing me and I've been nauseated on and off all afternoon...both good signs that things are indeed progressing.

I also started on PIO injections tonight. PIO is Progesterone in Oil. It's a 1.5" 22 gauge needle that goes into my hip muscle. Scott administered his first shot, and he did a good job. But dang, if I EVER needed a glass of wine, it was right before then. Such an emotional moment between the two of us.

7/16/09 - 4w2d - Beta #2 is in!

My beta is 150, so it doubled exactly, which is good, but could have been better. My progesterone is up to 11.4, so self medicating apparently is helping. Now I have to act suprised when my RE calls, like I don't know this information yet. That's going to suck.

I'm going to ask to go in for #3 on Saturday just to make sure it's still going up. I'm not feeling to comfy with my numbers yet. They're "normal' but they're on the low end of normal.

They're bringing me in on Saturday and on Monday. They only wanted me to come back on Monday, but I need to make sure the number is still going up.

7/15/09 - Betas & Ultrasounds!

7/16 - Beta #2
7/18 - Beta #3 if I she'll let me
7/28 - 6 week ultrasound
8/11 - 8 week ultrasound and released from RE
8/20 - first EVER OB appointment

I really don't think it's twins, and I'm SO okay with that! But I would like to see my number be over 200 tomorrow.

7/15/09 - 9dp6dt - 4w1d - Me...OCD...never!

But I tested again this morning to see my line get darker. Very pleasantly surprise. Grow, lil' clover, GROW!!!!

7/14/09 - 8dp6dt - 4 weeks - Beta Day!

The blood is IN the lab! Hopefully they will call before noon. Otherwise it will be after 2pm. They have a 2 hour meeting at noon every day.

So the spotting thing...some TMI details...

I had JUST told Keli that I had been cramping (which doesn't panic me much because I know it's REALLY common) but that I wouldn't freak out unless I started spotting. Spotting and cramping alone are not bad; together, usually a bad sign of things to come. Anyway, I'm using these suppositories 3x a day. They kind of come out in a glob about 4 hours after taking them. So after talking to Keli, I go in the bathroom, and the blob is tan instead of white. I wiped and had a bit of spotting. But I really didn't have much residual spotting after that. My blob was back to white this morning. Whew! Sara (my nurse) thinks that I probably scraped my cervix with the applicator/suppository yesterday and released some "old blood". The cramping has stayed with me for the most part, but it's minimal. Overall, I'm not as worried as I was yesterday.

Took another Answer brand test this morning, and I think we're going to be okay for now. This is a different brand from the other tests I've posted, so don't compare to them. The top is from Sunday night, the middle is from Monday night and the bottom is from this morning. The fact that it is darker from last night to this morning is a good sign!



I'm praying for over 75 today...over 100 would be CHERRY! I had a 47 in September, so really anything over that will make me happy, but I'd really like to be well over that.

UPDATE: Beta came back at 74! I'm going to have a baby!

I'm a little hesitant to be on cloud 9 must yet. It's still below the average, which is 100. They want to see 50 to 100 though, so we're right in the middle. But most people seem to be over 100 at this point already. Not me, of course. Right?

It's so much better than the 47 we had in September and the 13 we had in June. Thursday will give us a sign of how it's going to go. That's how we found out the September pregnancy might not be so smooth. We want to see at least 148 on Thursday, but the higher the better! That's the next hurdle!

7/13/09 - 7dp6dt - Spotting and Cramping

I'm spotting and crampy. Dear God...

I know it can be common, but I haven't had spotting with either of my previous pregancies. Sara told me that there was nothing they could do before my tests tomorrow morning. She said it is very common, and that it freaks everyone out. I just want this baby so badly.

How sad that I can go from THAT happy to THAT worried in a matter of minutes.

Sigh. We'll see how it goes. I'm not enjoying the crampiness at all, but at least it's not all over my uterus anymore. It's more over to the right ovary now. And the spotting seems to have let up a bit. Maybe it was just the Endometrin that irritated my cervix.

Who the hell knows. I just wish it could be easy for me for once. Dark tests, strong betas, strong heartbeat...I want to be one of THOSE girls.

Hang on little clover.

7/12/09 - 6dp6dt - Evening update

Two things...

1. I will never buy FRER brand HPTs again! I'm getting a much darker line on the Answer HPT. I line I'm actually proud of for 12dpo!

2. I took another FRER for comparison purposes and mixed them (Sat AM/PM & Sun AM/PM) up on the kitchen island. Called Scott in to pick the darkest line and he immediately picked tonight's test. Praise God! Maybe I've just stared at them too long. AKA all day today. Can we say OCD?



Please pray for us. We need all the sticky vibes you can muster up.

7/12/09 - 6dp6dt - A little worried

Well, here we go again. My test isn't much darker today. I've got a bad feeling this morning...trying to stay positive, but it looks like a repeat of my IVF cycle. Sigh. Just for once, I'd like to get a positive test and then have the dye take off and get darker like it does for everyone else. This is SO dang unfair.

Saturday morning (top), Saturday evening (middle), Sunday morning (bottom)


Nonetheless...Still positive...Still pregnant...Still grateful.

Could be a vanishing twin...both tried to implant, lost one. Would cause a pause in the HCG level.

Could be that Saturday's HCG was around 10 (which would cause a very light test), today is around 20 (still would be light), tomorrow will be around 40, nice and dark, and then Tuesday's beta will be 80-100? That's the best case scenario for us right now.

So yes, I'm still pregnant...I'm trying to be happy and hopeful and find the good in this situation. It's not like last time...I was at 13dpo and 14dpo with tests lighter than these. I'm better off than I was then for being at 12dpo today.

I'm surrounded by people who get pregnant naturally. Without effort. Multiple times. I'm surrounded by people who get a faint line, but the next day it is darker, and darker, and darker. I'm surrounded by people who get an HCG of 100+ at 14dpo. I'm surrounded by people who get nothing but good news. I want to be that person for a change.

My life is SO not that. I went 4.5 years without EVER seeing a positive test. Then after months of medicine and invasive sonograms and everyone in the clinic between my legs, not to mention vials and vials of blood, I finally got a positive. I carried that baby for 8 weeks when I found out that s/he had died. Then it got crazier...I gave myself shots, and had huge amounts of hormones pumped into me, and had my eggs surgically removed and harvested. And I lost that baby too...after a week of faint tests that never changed in shade.

So here I am again. Out of money. Four eggs left. In the same place with my faint tests. Hoping that my baby is okay and checking on him/her twice a day to see if s/he is growing. I'm not stressed about it...I'm actually fairly calm. But I am worried...justifiably.

7/11/09 - 5dp6dt - Oh.My.GOD!!!

I'm pregnant!!!



This is darker than either of our previous positives at this stage. This baby is STICKING!

EDD March 23, 2010

7/10/09 - 4dp6dt - Cramps and Sore Boobs...WOOT!

From September 25, 2008:

SUPER crampy and sore boobs. Could be the prometrium. Could be pregnancy. We'll see. I'm praying that the third time was a charm!

From June 8, 2009:

This was from the day before my positive in September. I specifically wanted to look back to check for the cramps, because I'm WAY crampy today. Kinda makes me excited! I never get cramps prior to AF so maybe my luck may turn itself around!

Today: Ditto again with the cramps and sore boobs. Each time I've posted this, I've been pregnant. Will probably test tonight but won't be shocked by a negative. It's early still, and frozen embryos start off a bit slower than fresh embryos. But by Sunday we should have something brewing!

7/8/09 - Loss Testing Back

My recurrent loss and chromosome testing all came back normal. Which is fabulous, but it means the fault really does lie with these dusty, old eggs of mine.

But I figure, hey...the two on board have lived through being sucked out of my tubes, inserted with sperm via a needle, living in a dish for 6 days, being frozen, and then being thawed. They've surely got stamina!

7/6/09 - FET #1 - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

These little cuties are snug in my uterus!



Stick babies, stick!

7/4/09 - Lovenox added to the mix

Transfer is on Monday at noon. My loss testing still isn't back, so Dr. H is going to have me take daily injections of Lovenox - which is a blood thinner and weakens the immune system just in case I've got some blood clotting and/or immune stuff happening. Apparently the shots sting and bruise badly. SO not excited about that, but if it works, who cares! She said I'll need to be careful not to hurt myself or get in a car accident while taking the shots because you can bleed out or bleed internally very easily. Ack!

6/26/09 - FET Schedule

6/26/09 - Lining 10mm, E2 269, Progesterone -2

6/27/09 - Increase Estrace to 4x a day

7/1/09 - Start Endometrin suppositories 3x a day

7/3/09 - Start Doxycycline & Medrol

7/6/09 - Snowbabies on board!

7/14/09 - Beta

Singleton Due Date: March 24, 2010 (my mom's b-day is 3/26)
Twins By Ave Gestation: March 01, 2010
Triplets By Ave Gestation: February 02, 2010

PLEASE GOD!

6/15/09 - Okay, so on we go. FET #1

Tentatively, pending tomorrow's beta being below 5:

6/16/09: Start estrogen pills 3x a day
6/28/08: Start progesterone suppositories 3x a day, Doxycycline 2x a day, Medrol
7/3/09: Transfer two frozen embryos
710/09: Beta

Wow! Bring me a little Aries baby! EDD would be around March 21, 2010. My mom is an Aries, so this will thrill her to no end. In fact, many of Scott's immediate family are Aries - 2 brothers, 1 nephew, 2 nieces...and our daughter/son hopefully!

Here we go again...are y'all ready?

6/13/09 - Recurrent Loss Testing

I gave 10 vials of blood this morning. The tests will come in at different times over the weeks to come.

6/13/09 - 4w2d - early miscarriage

Beta: 11

I think I've about hit "numb". The skin under my eyes is red and raw and my eyelids look like someone punched me in the face. And my heart hurts.

Miscarried 6/13/09 in the evening. Rest in peace, my little angel baby.

"A Mother’s Love cannot be measured
by increments of time. An entire lifetime
of love can be squeezed into a few brief
miraculous moments when necessary."

6/11/09 - 9dp5dt

6/11/09 (9dp5dt) - Beta 13

It's not looking good for us. :(

6/8/09 thru 6/10 - BFP!!!! And my angel's due date - RIP Junebug.

Thinking of my angel baby that was due today. So unfair that s/he is not here with us.

But this made it a little more bearable of a day! BFP!!!

6dp5dt - 5:00 PM (urine held about 3-4 hours)


7dp5dt - 4:30 PM (urine held about 2.5 hours)


8dp5dt - 5:15 PM (urine held about 2-2.5 hours)


I just don't get why they aren't getting darker. But this was nice to get!

6/8/09 - 6dp5dt - Afternoon

From September 25, 3008:

SUPER crampy and sore boobs. Could be the prometrium. Could be pregnancy. We'll see. I'm praying that the third time was a charm!

This was from the day before my positive in September. I specifically wanted to look back to check for the cramps, because I'm WAY crampy today. Kinda makes me excited! I never get cramps prior to TOM so maybe my luck may turn itself around! I keep running to the potty expecting to see TOM but so far, so good! Woohoo!

Needs LOTS of prayers and baby vibes. God please let me test positive by the end of tomorrow, but preferably today!

7/8/09 - 6dp5dt - BFN Still

Still negative this morning...not looking good for us. I cried myself all the way to work. It's just unreal to me that this is happening...or isn't happening as the case may be. I've pretty much reached distraught as of this morning.

When I was pregnant in September, I got my positive at 10dpo...which was equivalent to yesterday. And my due date for that baby is tomorrow.

6/7/09 - 5dp5dt

Still negative this morning, BUT, at 10dpo, this is the day I got my positive in September and I didn't get it until the evening soooooo....

Positive HPT prayers!!!

UPDATE: Couldn't get more negative again tonight. :(

6/6/09 - 4dp5dt

Negative again today. Still early, but ughhhhh!

6/5/09 - 3dp5dt - The horrible 2WW

I'm not feeling it anymore. I was SO positive up until yesterday. I've lost my ooomph. I think seeing friends around me having failed IVFs is bringing me back to the reality that this is NOT a sure thing - far from it, in fact. It seems impossible to me that this wouldn't work - even Dr H thinks we're pregnant based on the quality of my embies on board and my frozen embies, but I'm absolutely terrified of a BFN in the next week. God give me strength and help me find that positive outlook again.

Headache, sadness, crampy...not a good sign.

I will say this, one of my crazy symptoms from September was my sense of smell, and I kid you not, I can smell the ink from my ball point pen like it's a Sharpie, so I'm feeling a little bit better. I couldn't smell the ink yesterday. LOL!

I'm sure it will be fine, and if it's not, I have 6 little back up plans on ice.

My acupuncturist said tonight that she would be shocked if I wasn't pregnant. She said she was going to come over Sunday and check my pulse again if I didn't have a positive by then.

I tested tonight...negative, of course, because it's too early. I just couldn't help myself!

6/3/09 - Six Snowbabies!

OMG...we have SIX frozen blasts! Found out my blastocyst quality for all of my babies.

5AA is the best.

My fresh IVF blasts were:

2AB and 3AB

My frozen blasts are:

5BB, 4AB, 4BB, 4BB, 4BB- and 3BB-

The number grades how expanded the blast is, meaning how close to hatching is it. 5 means that it's started to hatch out of the shell already and will implant pretty immediately after transfer.

The first letter is the quality of the cells that will become the fetus. The second letter is the quality of the cells that will become the placenta.

A = Excellent
B = Good
C = Poor

I hoped for more "A" grades, but I'm happy I don't have any "C" grades. And I'm happy to have mostly 4 and 5s!

I started BAWLING when my RE called. She said she felt VERY confident that at least two of the eight fabulous blasts would become babies in my arms! She feels REALLY good about this cycle working though, and we have had a good feeling from day one, too. I just really feel like this is going to be it and maybe it's stupid to be this excited and hopeful and optimistic, but darn it, it's just how I feel...I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!

6/2/09 - 5 Day Transfer today!!!

I'm gettin' pregnant today, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Dr Hinckley just called with an update. She said I had two perfect blastocysts, and that it was easy for them to know that these were the two they were going to transfer today. I have 5 more blastocysts that they want to watch for one more day to see if they make it to freeze - they needed a bit more growth. Then I have 3 morulas that they will watch to see if they can freeze them as well, but I'm guessing it's unlikely. So it looks like I'm transferring two and freezing up to five!

I have acupuncture at 10:30. Prep at 11:15. Transfer at 11:30. Acupuncture at 12:15. Then home for bed rest while the lil' ones snuggle in!

Here are our babies! They were graded 2AB and 3AB.

5/31/09 - Embie update

Eleven perfectly beautiful little embryos are growing in the lab. I'm so beyond grateful for this blessing! We will transfer the two best looking embryos on Tuesday morning at 11:30 AM. My blood test to check my HCG level is 9 days later. SO excited!

5/29/09 - Fertilization Report

The most fabulous update! Out of the 21 eggs retrieved, 17 were mature, 4 were borderline. 15 of the mature eggs fertilized, all of the borderline eggs fertilized, so I have 19 little babies in the lab! She's expecting about 40% to make it for a 5 day transfer. She'll call on Sunday to give us a "babysitting" update. I'm freaking bawling with joy right now, and SO thankful to God for this blessing!

5/28/09 - EGG RETRIEVAL!!!

We had 21 eggs retrieved this morning!!! Some of them won't be mature enough to be viable, but either way, we are THRILLED. Can't wait to find out tomorrow how many fertilized.

IV and anesthesia were nothing, but I did have some bleeding issues. When I was in the recovery room, I felt like I had to pee really bad. So they sat me up to get up and I felt a gush. Then when I stood up, I felt again again. LOTS of blood. They thought it was a one time thing of blood that had pooled. So I went to the restroom, and then they had me get back in bed. About 20 minutes later she checked and I seemed to be okay, so she said I could get up and get dressed. As soon as I stood up, gushed again. So I had to go into the exam room and have it looked at...speculum and all. Turns out I had a clot that they removed and then the bleeding completely stopped. Hopefully no more of that...it was a miscarriage flashback big time!

I was a bit crampy right afterwards, but feeling okay now. SO excited for tomorrow's phone call! Off to rest.

Evening update: Holy bloat, batman! You should see my belly. Pretty crampy still, but I'm dealing. I don't get bad AF cramps, so I guess this is my payback.

About to take my slew of meds...Medrol, Doxycycline, Baby Aspirin, Flaxseed Oil, Omega 3, PreNatal and an Endometrin suppository...joy of joys!

I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. Can't wait to hear about my babies!!!!!

5/26/09 - ER is scheduled!

We're scheduled for egg retrieval at 7:00 on Thursday morning! My estrogen is THROUGH the roof - I have to stop drinking water and drink gatorade only so I don't get ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. Here we go!

5/25/09 - Diminished reserve? I don't know about that!

For someone with high FSH, things are going SO well for me for a change. I'm so not used to my body responding this well! I have 21 follicles over 11. My estrogen (E2) made a rebound, and we are set for egg retrieval on Thursday. I'm heading back for one last check tomorrow morning before I trigger. I'm SO excited!!!

Left ovary: 11, 12, 13, 13, 13, 14, 14, 16, 16, 17, 18, 18
Right ovary: 14, 14, 14, 15, 15, 16, 16, 16, 20
E2: 3352
Lining: 10-11

I had a little chat with the OR and they have agreed to let me keep my St. Gerard medallion on. Whew! I was panicking about taking it off. They normally make you take off all jewelry, but they are making an exception for this one piece.

5/25/09 - Canonballs!

I started getting nauseated last night and it hasn't gone away. I guess that is normal - I'll ask them this morning. My ovaries feel like canonballs and my boobs are swollen and KILLING me.

So excited for my appointment and my pre-op! I know things are moving along nicely! But I have to say, my anxiety was THROUGH the roof last night. It's been so good the last few weeks. I really need to find a way to keep it completely at bay.

Have I mentioned how excited I am?

5/24/09 - Bloated...you think?

So my acupuncturist came over at 5pm. I layed down and lifted my shirt up and she said "Wow, you're really bloated". Ya think? She was thrilled with how I'm doing. She said she's certain I'll end up with embies to freeze after our transfer. That would be AWESOME!

5/23/09 - My aching ovaries

OMG...my ovaries are so swollen. I swear you can feel them through my skin. I'm SO bloated - this is just insane! My acu says my ovaries will be the size of grapefruits by the time ER comes around. Goodness! Scott is calling them his "babies". I have to say, it's precious. We're both SO freaking excited!!!

5/22/09 - IVF #1 Second Ultrasound

Watch me grow! Holy crap!

Left ovary: 7, 7, 7, 10, 10, 11, 12, 12, 13, 13
Right ovary: 7, 9, 9, 10, 11, 11, 11, 11, 12
E2: 812
Endo: 8 - 9.5

5/19/09 - IVF #1 First Ultrasound

Left Ovary ~ 5, 6, 6, 6, 7
Right Ovary ~ 5, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8
Lining ~ measuring 7.5 - 9
E2 ~ 168

This was my least favorite sonographer so I can't guarantee that she measured them all, and I don't think the lining is right considering that I'm still spotting from AF. Hopefully I'll have one of the more experienced girls when I go back on Thursday

5/18/09 - Ugh...the needles

Four days of four shots per day, and I am SO over this. Sigh. The needles didn't bother me the past two cycles, but they are REALLY getting to me this month. Not to mention I've had a headache every single day since I started the Lupron. Trying to keep my eye on the prize(s).

5/11/09 - Wow...IVF...Really?

I still can't believe where I was when this journal started and where I am now, but here we are! IVF #1.

Suppression check was great this morning! No cysts, so we're good to go. I'm off of birth control pills - took the last one last night, and we're noq rolling full steam ahead. I start my Lupron shots on Wednesday, and start stimulating the hell out of my ovaries on Friday.

My IVF protocol:

The microdose Lupron flare protocol is one of the most potent IVF protocols available. It has helped many women with poor ovarian reserves to conceive, and in our opinion, is the last resort before donor egg IVF. The protocol takes advantage of a special property of Lupron. When used in tiny amounts, Lupron stimulates the release of natural FSH from the pituitary for several days before exerting its suppressive effect. During this 'flare' period, the ovaries are stimulated by natural FSH. The subsequent addition of high doses of FSH from medications gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. The flare protocol can be summarized as below:

Menstruation begins.

Birth control pill is used to suppress the pituitary for 10 to 14 days. Low dose types are preferable. A trial transfer is performed during this period.

Minidoses of Lupron are started 3 days after the last pill to stimulate the pituitary to release its own store of FSH (the flare effect). After 5 days, Lupron begins to suppress the pituitary to prevent premature ovulation. Lupron is continued until the day of HCG.

Ovarian stimulation is initiated 5 days after the last pill using the highest dose of FSH. The combination of natural FSH and medicated FSH gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. Close monitoring is required.

HCG injection is used to mature the eggs.

Egg retrieval takes place about 36 hours after HCG injection.

Embryo culture for 5 days.

Embryo transfer of 2 blastocysts.

Endometrial support using vaginal progesterone.

Pregnancy test 9 days after transfer.

5/6/09 - Thinking about my angel

I'm having a REALLY tough time right now. So much is happening. Mother's Day is looming and this is the Mother's Day that I should have just about been a mom. This was my time. And then poof. Gone. Nothing. I take my last birth control pill on Mother's Day. Oh, the irony. My emotions are at all time high and I feel very alone with what I'm going through; few understand what I'm about to embark on. And then there is my EDD coming up. The most painful thing ever is to think of my baby that I'll never get to hold.

5/1/09 - Saline Sono & Inject Class

Saline Sonogram (SHG) went fine. He (Dr. Hinckley was in another office, so her collegue did the procedure) said my uterus was "normal" and I was like "hey, finally something tests normal". Sara, my previous IUI nurse, just laughed. She's used to my sarcasm about my cob-webbed reproductive organs.

I was really pleased by the antral follie count which are dormant follies in your ovaries. They didn't do a detailed count but he was like "one, two, three, five, seven, nine...you're looking good" and had over a dozen on the right too. Apparently REALLY good for my FSH level - they want to see at least 6 on each side for an IVF cycle. This is no indication of how many follicles I'll end up with, but it's a good sign of things to come.

Sara is going to talk to my RE about getting me on Estrace or something to help with my E2 level. She said it's low, but it shouldn't be an issue at this point.

Inject class was good. We had to wait like 30 minutes for another couple that was doing their SHG which pissed me off because I could have been home having breakfast...I was STARVING by the time we ate at noon. Threw DOWN a cheeseburger. Anyway, I'm all cool with all the needles and medicine mixing, but whoa...that PIO (progesterone in oil) needle is NO joke. It's like 1.5 inches long and it's 2-3 times thicker than the stim needles. I have no issues with Lupron, Follistim or Ovidrel shots, but ugh...the PIO is freaking me out! But my clinic does allow for the use of endometrin suppositories 3x a day instead. I'm trying to decide - needle 1x a day by Scott (which is part of my worry because when he was doing the test shot on the fake skin he was inserting the needle WAY slow), or messy panty liner wearing 3x a day. Hmmm...I think I'm leaning towards panty liners.

I stop BCPs on May 10 and my next appointment is on May 11. Some of my meds delivered today. I've graduated from using the butter tray area to a veggie drawer.

Please God...let this work for us. Please.

4/26/09 - FSH/E2 Results

Just got some not so great news. FSH went back up to 11.1, and estradiol took a dive down to 11. High FSH and low estradiol is a sign of menopause. I wish the nurse hadn't even called. I would have rather talked to my RE so she could explain what the fuck is going on with my body.

4/25/09 - Thyroid Update

TSH: 1.05 (.3 - 3)
Free T3: 262 (230 - 420)
Free T4: 1 (0.8 - 1.8)

SO thrilled that my thryoid came back normal. That would have stopped my IVF in it's tracks. So on we go. Tested my FSH and E2 on Friday, so we should get the results from that on Monday.

I wonder why I'm still feeling exhaustion, headaches, and chest pain. I really need to get into the gastroenterologist in the next week or two. And I need to get my dental work done. I have until late May - can't do that past egg retrieval. I should do it why I'm on BCPs though. DREADING the dentist.

SO weird to start BCPs last night. I never thought I'd have to take them ever again.

Three appointments scheduled for May 1. Scott took the day off with me. We have to go to an IVF overview appt at 10am. They'll go over the meds, shots, timelines in detail, etc. Then we meet with the financial counselor to finish up the Giving Hope application to get the 25% off cycle cost of $8600, and we have to pay for it at that appointment. Then I have the saline sonograrm and uterine sound test at 2pm. We'll be spending the day there apparently.

This IS going to work. Uh huh, uh huh! I will be pregnant with my twins. Uh huh, uh huh!

4/23/09 - IVF Schedule

I got my official calendar this morning.

4/24/09: Start birth control pills
5/11/09: Suppression Sonogram
5/13/09: Start 10iu Lupron AM & PM
5/15/09: Start Daily Baby Aspirin (81mg)
5/15/09: Start 225iu Gonal F (ovary/egg stimulation) shots AM & PM
5/25/09: Ovidrel Trigger
5/25/09: Scott starts Levaquin (antibiotic)
5/27/09: Egg Retrieval
5/27/09: Start Medrol (steriod), Doxycycline (antibiotic), Progesterone
6/01/09: Egg Transfer
6/10/09: Beta
6/24/09: Ultrasound

Singleton Due Date: February 16, 2010
Twins By Ave Gestation: January 25, 2010
Triplets By Ave Gestation: December 29, 2009
Quads By Ave Gestation: December 22, 2009

4/22/09 - IVF, here we come!

Wow, so when she said move on, she meant it! My new IVF nurse, Jennifer, called me this afternoon and it would be an understatement to say she hit the ground running!

If AF shows tomorrow, I'll start birth control pills on Friday. My suppression check sonogram (to make sure the BCPs completely surpressed any egg production/estrogen) will be on May 7.

I have to do another inject class, and Scott has to come this time because there are more shots, some mixing, and bigger needles. I also have to do the saline sonogram and a uterine sound test. With the saline sonogram, they'll fill my uterus with water and do an ultrasound to check for fibroids and polyps. The uterine sound test will allow them to get an imagine of my uterus so when they go to transfer my fertilized embryos back in, they know what they are dealing with as far as shape and size are concerned. All of this will happen before I come off BCPs on May 10.

Then I start shots - 2 different shots 2 times a day. I'll be taking SO much medicine! The FSH shot which is the one that causes the eggs to grow, I was taking 300 units once a day. I'll now be taking 225 units twice a day. She's not playing!

My egg retrieval where they put me under and remove my eggs will be around the week of May 24 and they'll transfer the fertilized embryos in 3 to 5 days later. My beta will be the week of June 7. My due date from my September pregnancy was June 9. My due date from my IVF cycle will be mid to late February 2010.

Talk about having a plan! We SO have a plan! Sigh...of relief. Fabulous ending to a horrible beginning today.

4/22/09 - Another BFN - IUI #5 was a bust

Negative HPT this morning, and temp is on the decline. I did my beta while I was at the clinic for acupuncture today. Negative, as I suspected. I stop Prometrium tonight and AF should come tomorrow. Had a chat with Dr. Hinckley, and we are moving on with IVF. I will call on CD1 (tomorrow most likely) and get my protocol and calendar. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this, but ready or not, here we go.

Today has been emotionally exhausting on multiple levels. Wine is in my future.

4/21/09 - Negative, so far

Negative. With my chart being so similar to September, I would have expected to get a BFP around the same time. It's 48 hours later this cycle, so it leaves me wondering that even if I do get a postive will it be viable or will I miscarry again. That low E2 level is indicative of poor quality. So who knows. I'll test again tomorrow if my temp is still up. If not, I'm not wasting anymore money - I'll just wait for my blood test on Thursday.

Tested my thyroid levels today. Will be curious to see if they are low again. I have a headache and I'm exhausted. Had a hard time keeping my eyes open at work today, in fact.

9/21/09 - IUI #5 - The 2WW

Boobs are sore, diahrrea this morning, NO pimples...say huh? VERY light line this morning on a cheap little strip test that may be an evaporation line, but my chart...oh my sweet, sweet chart! Normally my temp would have dropped down this morning!

Overlapped with my pregnancy chart (pregnancy from September in green, current cycle in magenta):

4/15/09 - Having doubts

I think I'm out this month. I expected good things this morning, but my temps are low and very flat. I think my thyroid me be out of whack again. I could be wrong, but I'm afraid this is going to be yet another disappointing month for me. And I KNOW I have a cyst or two on my right ovary...I can feel it. Which means a darn break cycle is on the horizon.

4/8/09 - The truth about my E2

My RE left me voicemail. She said that she would have liked to have seen my E2 over 600, that it does indicate that many of my follicles do not have a viable egg in them, but that she wasn't going to get hung up on it. She said she wasn't suprised, because we already knew there were quality issues...m/c, high FSH, etc.

I cried all the way home from work. We went from the multiples chat to looking at 1, maybe 2 good eggs. It's the same as my freaking betas from September all over again.

4/7/09 - IUI #5 - Third Ultrasound

So here is my follie check for today:

Left Ovary: 10, 12, 13, 16
Right Ovary: 9, 9, 11, 15, 16, 18
Lining: 13

I'm waiting for my RE to call me with my estradial level (gives them an idea of maturity/quality). I'm assuming I'll trigger ovulation tonight with IUI Thursday morning.

UPDATE: It was looking wonderful until I found out that my E2 level is low. It should be 150 - 200 per mature egg. Mine is only 406. Not a good sign for a Happy Easter. But we'll see how it goes. I'm reading conflicting things on how much of a problem this may or may not be. Some people are saying not an issue, some people are like "I would be worried too".

So I did something I maybe shouldn't have done. I had a bit of Follistim left, so I went ahead and injected it to give myself a little extra boost. It probably won't help or hinder. I can't see what it would hurt at all. I trigger at 11:30 tonight and my IUI is on Thursday at 11:30 a.m.

Went for acupuncture after work today, and will go again directly after my IUI on Thursday.

I'm not giving up hope...I'm still feeling that this is our month!

4/6/09 - Multiples, you say?

My RE just left me a message that she needs to have a chat with me about my risk for multiples based on how well I've responded. I have to say, that made me smile HUGELY! I can't wait for her to call!!! She mentioned triggering tomorrow night which would put my IUI on Thursday morning. Yippee!!!!!

4/6/09 - IUI #5 - Second Ultrasound

Holy follicles, Batman!

Left side: 7, 9, 13, 15
Right side: 9, 9, 10, 14, 14, 16

They are mature when then reach about 16 or so. They'll trigger me when the lead follicle is about 19 and my IUI will be 36 hours after that. Girls, I'm gonna have 4-5 eggies!

BRING IT ON!!!!!

4/5/09 - IUI #5 - First Ultrasound

Well, my scan this morning was okay. I have to admit, I was hoping for more follicles, but the good thing is that the Lupron seems to have kept them all around the same size, and we're looking at 3-4 good follies for an IUI some time this week.

Left Ovary: 15
Right Ovary: 7, 9, 12, 14, 14
Lining: 8.7
E2: pending

Next ultrasound and estrogen test is Monday morning at 7:30 a.m.

4/2/09 - The Joy of Needles

Two shots last night was NOT fun. Especially after I was prepping the first needle and my dumb ass husband says "Wow, that needle looks big". Uh, gee thanks...you realize I have to stick that shit in my body now, right? And then do a second one with a different needle, right? I swear I'm gonna make him stick himself with an empty one tonight.

The Lupron is giving me a headache and a bit of nausea, but I'm keeping my eye on the ball. It basically causes my body to feel like it's going into menopause. Yes, I've been a hot flashin' sistah this week. Then I started with Follistim too last night. So the Lupron is saying "no eggs" and now the Follistim is saying "stimulate ovaries, stimulate", so we've got a game of tug of war going. I'll do both again tonight, and then the thought is that tomorrow when I do Follistim only, the eggs will shoot out the gate full steam ahead. This should allow her to control my cycle better than last time.

Things are looking good. Other than the headache and tummy ache I'm excited about this cycle and very confident that my baby (or two) is coming! I am a bit nervous that my IUI will fall on 4/11, though. I'll have all the Snyders, the Jobes/Hutchings, and my BIL's best friends at my house for a surprise party for his 40th. I'm hoping it falls on Easter Sunday actually. I think that would be just divine!!! But hey, if it happens on the 11th, we'll just have pizza instead of BBQ.

4/1/09 - My best FSH for a while!

I'm overwhelmed...more good news! My FSH came back at 10.1. That's almost freaking normal and the lowest I've tested since February 2008! Woohoo! Means I've got good egg quality/quanitity brewing this month. This is SO it babes. I'm getting knocked up with a New Years' baby! Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Who is this positive girl and where did the devil on her shoulder hop off and run away too?

3/31/09 - How it is!

Foreplay


Intercourse


Orgasm

3/31/09 - Giving Hope Application Approved

We were approved for the Giving Hope program at my clinic! The clinic is celebrating their 25 year anniversary, so they're doing a 25% off sale for IVF to help people out in this economy (and because I think they have lost business from the recession too). We weren't sure they were going to allow us into the program because we made $3K more than the cap for participation, but I guess they're feeling pretty bad for us. She said just call her when we're ready to move on! Woohoo!!! So that puts our IVF at $8600 (instead of $11.5K) plus the cost of meds, which we will have to pay full price for since meds for IVF aren't covered. Unless I can get them to code the meds for IUI. We'll see how I respond this cycle to the injects and go from there. I might be tempted to move on sooner than later!

Good news in the pregnancy chapter this week! Keep on with the positive news!

3/30/09 - IUI #5 begins

AF is here! AF is here!

I go in at 7:00 a.m. for a baseline ultrasound, and then start my Lupron shots tomorrow night!

EDD for this cycle is January 4, 2010.

PLEASE God...let's DO this! Bring ON the baby dust!!!!!!!

3/29/09 - What trying to have a baby looks like these days

Meds for IUI #5

3/25/09 - IUI #5 - Here we go again!

My meds are shipping today for IUI #5! They will deliver tomorrow morning!

Prometrium
Ovidrel 250mg
Luprilide 14-day kit
Follistim 600iu (2)
Follistim 900iu (1)

Plus a Sharps container, a new Follistim pen, needles, alcohol swabs, and little circle band aids.

Here we GOOOOOO!

3/4/09 - Darn that FSH level

WTF? It just wouldn't be a day in my miserable, crappy, barren world if I didn't get bad news everytime I had a glimmer of good news. My FSH came back higher. My egg quality and quantity is worsening and my ovaries are beginning to fail. WHY the hell is this happening to me?

Dr. Hinckley said she wasn't surprised - she could tell by the amount of medication that she needed to stimulate my ovaries to superproduce, that my FSH testing high in May was not a fluke. She said when you're in your 20's and early 30's, your FSH bounces around a lot between 2 and 6. She said when you start to get into your high 30's and early 40's, it doesn't bounce down as much, rather it begins on the incline that heads you towards menopause. I'm still a ways away from perimenopause - that happens at a level of 25 so I'm half way there.

With FSH, they want to see it between 2 and 10 for optimal birth rates. Between 10 and 12, the rates are slightly compromised. Between 12 - 15, rates are compromised and the ovaries are harder to stimulate, which means the amount of drugs she will have to pump in to me to get multiple eggs will be huge. As I said a few pages ago, a "normal" person would take 75 units of Follistim. I'll be taking 300 units in April.

It doesn't mean that we can't do our inject/IUI cycle in April or that we can't do IVF in May, but it does mean that my chances are lower, and that my risk of m/c due to a chromosomally damaged egg is higher. It doesn't make it impossible, but it makes it difficult. And I JUST need something to be easy for a MINUTE of my life right now. It's so hard. I'm SO distraught over my lack of family.

When I talked to her about doing IVF in May or June she said she felt like I was getting ahead of myself - she feels like she can get me pregnant with injects and an IUI in April. I don't share her optimism, but I do appreciate it.

I cried so much over this last night that my eyes are swollen and puffy today. I'm tired of being sad about this, as I'm sure you all are as well.

3/3/09 - Giving Hope!

I have good news...financially...

I received an email from RSC (my clinic) about their 25th anniversary 25% off special. Replied and said “unfortunately we’re $2K over your limit” and something about how I can sadly never catch a break where my fertility is concerned. She (the financial gal) just called me and told me to bring in the last two years worth of tax returns and they’ll consider me, so that is a GREAT option. Brings the cost of IVF down from $11.5K to $8625 plus the cost of meds (probably $1500 - $4000 depending on if insurance covers any of the meds or not). AND…no FSH requirement! SOOOO happy about that. IVF in May is on!!!!!

3/1/09 - Infertility Ramble

I'm having a REALLY hard time recently. I've been reading my old due date board - looking at their belly shots and discussions on their future plans, and then even looked at diaper bags online. Bad move, dummy.

I just want to sit and cry. I should be 25 - 26 weeks pregnant, but instead I'm 180 degrees the other direction and can't even TTC.

Then the weight thing is killing me. The scale won't budge, and I'm sure it has to be my thyroid because my calories in vs. calories out just doesn't justify the lack of loss.

TOM is due, and that's probably why I'm so sad, but I feel so freaking left out of the mommy madness. When is it MY turn? I feel so haunted, tortured and barren.

2/18/09 - We've made a decision

We've made a HUGE decision! We've decided to do IVF in May for sure, unless I happen to get PG in April on my last inject cycle. As soon as my CD3 testing is done on my next cycle, they are putting through the applicaton for the three financial plans. My FSH has to test under 10 for the first two.

Shared Risk - 3 fresh, 3 frozen, and a partial refund if you don't bring home a baby: $29K plus meds.

Multi Cycle Treatment Plan 35-37 y/o - 2 fresh, 2 frozen: $20.5K plus meds.

Multi Cycle Treatment Plan < 40 y/o (they think I'll end up here because of my FSH) - 2 fresh, 2 frozen: $22.5K plus meds.

If you bring home a baby before you complete all of the cycles, the balance of the cycles are voided. I feel like it's going to take more than one for sure though, so I'm fine (okay, not fine, but you know what I mean ) paying $22K for a baby and just PRAYING that one of these works.

Our meds will *most likely* be covered at 50% depending on what is prescribed. She said that meds are covered no matter if it's an IUI cycle or an IVF cycle, which my old insurance wasn't like that. They didn't cover meds for IVF. I guess my new insurance has some kind of rider or waiver. Yay for a break, finally! So about how much are meds anyway???

I'm so excited that I just had to tell you girls now. Now I've GOT to get my BMI below 30 - I've got 15 pounds to lose by the time my CD3 tests come back. Ackkkk! Colon Cleanse anyone?

2/15/09 - Thyroid Update

Thyroid Panel (by endocrinologist) 1/13/09
T3 Free: 901 (230 - 420) Hyper
T4 Free: 3.9 (0.8 - 1.8) Hyper
TSH: 0.01 (.4 - 4.5) Hyper
TSI: 99 (<125)
TPO: 51 (<35) Positive Hashimoto's Antibodies
Thryoglobulin ABS: <20 (<20)

I have two nodules - 1 at 5mm and 1 at 7mm. Left lobe slightly enlarged.

RAIU 1/29-30/09
6-hour scan: 1%
24-hour scan: 1.15%

DX: Thyroiditis

Thyroid Panel (by reproductive endocrinologist) 2/10/09
Reverse T3: 42 (11 - 32)
Free T4: 1.5 (0.8 - 1.8)
TSH: 0.01 (.4 - 4.5)

I talked to my RE yesterday. She felt that I was on my way to going hypothyroid and she's ready to stay on top of it to keep me from getting too far away from normal. When my T4 starts to get low, she'll put me on thyroid hormone replacement. She said my T3 and T4 are doing exactly what she expected them to do - she believes this is post partum thyroiditis and nothing else. She was happy that my T4 was back in the normal range.

I'm doing thyroid testing again in two more weeks, and doing FSH, prolactin, E2, etc. (fertility hormones) on my next CD3. We're going to wait one more cycle before we get back to business, but she said definitely try on our own - ha! ha! like THAT would happen. So by late March I should be doing injects and IUI #5.

1/26/00 - Diagnosed with Thyroiditis...we're takin' a break

I just got off the phone with my RE. I swear I cry every time I talk to her.

Anyway, she said that she feels that my thyroiditis is temporary from the miscarriage, and that it would resolve on it's own. But she said it is common to take medicine to get it back to normal earlier. She was suprised I wasn't given an anti-thyroid drug to do that. She was also suprised that my endo was waiting so long to test me again. So my RE is sending me for a thyroid panel monthly.

She said as soon as my TSH, T3, and T4 are in the normal range, that we can start TTC again. She felt that we weren't quite ready to use adoption as a replacement for having our own children - that she still had hope for us TTC on our own (glad she has hope, because I sure don't anymore). She felt it would be closer to 2-3 months not 6 months like the endo said.

She was also happy to see I was changing endos. The new one I'm switching too can't see me until 4/28 so he must be good.

Maybe I will end up pregnant this year after all. I would REALLY like to be PG before my due date gets here. I can't imagine how sad I'll be if I'm not.

1/7/09 - The plan forward

Well, I just spoke with my RE, and she's doing everything IVF accept for the IVF itself! In addition to the Lupron Flare and Follistim shots, if I go in for an ultrasound and have a lead follie again, she's going to give me a shot of cetrotide which will hault ovulation until we trigger - that will allow the smaller ones to catch up. More needles...great! However, this would have been helpful last month when I had 1 mature egg and 9 under 14mm.

Geesh...this is all getting so complicated!

She confirmed that 9 out of 10 patients in her office that complain of chest pain end up being diagnosed with anxiety. Shocking, that!

1/4/09 - BFN - IUI #4 has officially failed

Negative. Not pregnant. Which officially brings us to five years trying to have a baby. This is so beyond unfair and cruel.

I've cried more tears today than I can possibly cry. We're taking a break this month. I'm sad, but I know it's the right thing to do. With the Xanax, xrays, blood tests, endoscopy and heart ultrasounds, it's all just too much.

We've got a plan for 1/31/09 when TOM is due. My RE was as unpleased with December's "crop" as I was. She's getting REALLY aggressive. So I'm doing a treatment called "Lupron Flare". This is generally used for IVF only, but she's giving it a shot.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have children. I was never this stressed, worried or anxious before I started all of this treatment stuff. It's taken such a toll on my physically and emotionally.

10/29/08 - 2WW Ramble

My chart is funky. I swear it looks like I just ovulated, so I sure do hope my trigger worked. I woke up in the middle of the night with a huge wave of nausea. Got up, salivated and dry heaved, but didn't get sick. Then it went away. Temp was up this morning. Could it be implantation? I need to go to the dollar store and get some HPT's to test out my trigger. No symptoms otherwise. Boobs aren't sore, not crampy, no Chinese food cravings.

10/26/08 - 2WW Ramble

Christmas was hard. I should have been drinking sparkling cider. I should have been 16 weeks, and would have known the sex from my NT scan. My mom should have been able to buy gifts for her grandchild, because I KNOW she would have. We shouldn't have been painting the guest room tan, rather pastel blue or pink. Lots of should haves and shouldn't haves.

I'm crampy dead center in my uterus. Too early for implantation at just 3dpo, but a girl can hope, right? January is 5 years since I went off the pill. Five freaking years, and all I have to show for it is one loss.

I want to feel positive about this, but my heart is telling me that this one egg and the 10 million sperm just aren't going to cut it. But we'll see. It can surely happen. I think a September baby would be just grand, too!

10/23/08 - IUI #4 is done

10.5 million total motile (our smallest sample to date)
16% WHO morphology (16% of the 10.5 million were "normal" sperm)
Test date: 1/6/09

Starting prometrium suppositories to beef up my endometrium.

Painful and crampy procedure today. I'm taking it easy on the couch.

12/22/08 - 2WW ramble

I'm really not holding out much hope for this cycle, and think I was doing better on the oral meds. I'm tempted to ask to go back to that (it's substantially cheaper and I had 3 eggs the month I got pregnant), and then I'm tempted to say let's just do IVF and get it over with. I'm really quite sick of all of this and so close to saying "screw it". It's SO hard emotionally and now physically too.

I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.

12/21/08 - Ultrasound #3 for IUI #4

Well, I'm a little disappointed after my ultrasound today. I have one lead follie and the others aren't going to make it. I'm triggering tonight ~ the on-call RE felt that my 19.4 would ovulate on it's own anyway if we didn't go for it. I was just really hoping for at least 2-3 mature follies. Seems like a waste of a good crop of eggs and..well, we really wanted twins. Maybe the 13.7 will make it based on the rate of growth. Makes me wanna give myself a little extra boost of Follistim right now.

CD9 u/s
Right Ovary: 8.4, 10.6, 11.8, 13.7
Left Ovary: 9.9, 9.4, 11, 11.7, 19.4
E2: 667
Ovidrel Trigger 11:30PM

My IUI is on Tuesday morning at 11:30.

12/20/08 - Ultrasound #2 for IUI #4

Follicles are doing GREAT!

Right Ovary: 5.9, 7.3, 8.6, 11.4
Left Ovary: 6.8, 7.7, 9.6, 10.2, 10.6, 17.6
E2: 447

Taking another 225IU dose of Follistim tonight and going back to the RE again tomorrow for another ultasound and E2. Looks like I'll trigger on Sunday or Monday night, making my IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday morning!

12/18/08 - Ultrasound #1 for IUI #4

Follistim is working out well for me.

My follicles were: right ovary- 4, 5, 6, 7; left ovary - 6, 6, 8, 10. Endometrium: 6.85.

When 3 of my follies get to 16, they'll trigger me. I'm waiting for my doctor to get the results of my estrogen test and then she'll call me to adjust my Follistim dose, and schedule my next ultrasound.

This inject stuff is not bad, considering all the needles and probing involved.

UPDATE: Dr. H called - I'm on 225IU for another two days. I go back on Saturday. I guess I'm responding kinda slow so they're keeping me on the high dose for a couple more days. Stupid ovaries. They'll come along eventually, but for crap's sake...this medicine is $400 a box and we're on box number two. We might have to buy more for this month. Merry Christmas, eh? Sigh.

Keeping the faith...this will work out.

12/15/08 - The joy of injectables

My shot hurt tonight. My trigger has always been once a month so this is the first time I've done shots two days in a row (about to be about 10). Apparently the right side of my belly button is more sensitive - it's stinging like crazy. No blood tonight, but ouch. This is SO not fun.

12/14/08 - IUI #4 Baseline

AF started yesterday. I went in at 9am this morning for my baseline ultrasound and I didn't have any cysts...well, there was one at 10mm, but that won't stop my cycle. I start my shots tonight. My RE and nurse weren't there today and she hadn't put my treatment plan in my chart yet so one of her colleagues had to tell me what dose to take. He's starting me at 225IU because of my dominished ovarian reserve but I responded well to Femara so I'm not sure I need that high of a dose. And when my nurse was going over the cycle a few weeks ago, she kept saying it would probably be 100IU. I posted about it on my fertility board to see what the other girls have taken.

I'm nervous, scared, excited. And broke. $437 to the clinic today. When my insurance changes on 1/1/09, this same cycle will cost us almost $900 so this one BETTER work.

EDD: 9/18/2009

10/29/08 - Miscarriage Confirmed

10/29/98 8w1d Ultrasound ~ Missed Miscarriage. No h/b or fetal pole.

11/7/08 800mg Misoprostol
11/8/08 800mg Misoprostol
Miscarried 11/9/08 (9w5d)

11/17/08 HCG 227
11/24/08 HCG 31
12/01/08 HCG 8

The circle of life...

CBC Abnormal Results from 11/17/08:

Red Cell Count 3.22 (3.8 - 5.10 million/uL)
Hemoglobin 10.8 (11.7 - 15.5 g/dL)
Hematocrit 31.4 (35 - 45 %)
MCH 33.6 (27 - 33 pg)

10/23/08 - A Very Sad Ultrasound

7w2d Ultrasound ~ Baby measuring 6w0d ~ h/b 88 bpm

Not the news we were hoping for. It will be a miracle if s/he makes it. We have a follow up ultrasound on 10/29, but this pregnancy is expected to miscarry.

Everything "baby" is packed up and put away and the fertility books are back out on the coffee table. Back to square one, with my innocence gone and my heart broken.

I don't know how to feel or how to think about anything. I'm so angry. I've never in my life cried as much as I've cried today. This is a pain unlike any pain I've ever felt. And it's the hugest loss ever...the loss of my first child. I don't understand, and I just want to know why. Why is this happening to me?

All that everything happens for a reason crap...well that is just bullshit. There is NO reason for this. And all that in God's time...well, I'm having a hard time understanding how God can let me lose a baby, a grandfather, have an injured grandmother, and a divorcing mom all at one time. I've lost a bit of faith this time around, and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back.

9/26/09 - My First BFP

Unfortunately, what was the happiest time of my life became one of the saddest times of my life. I deleted many of my journal entries of this pregnancy, but I do have some pictures to share.

Our first BFP:


My first positive Clearblue Easy Digital:


10/16/08 6w2d Ultrasound ~ Baby measuring 5w5d ~ h/b flickering


Flowers from daddy to his two miracles:


11dpo beta 13
14dpo beta 47 ~ DT 38 (prog 37)
16dpo beta 81 ~ DT 61 (prog 50)
18dpo beta 220 ~ DT 33
22dpo beta 1900 ~ DT 31

9/25/08 - IUI#3 - 2WW Symptoms

SUPER crampy and sore boobs. Could be the prometrium. Could be pregnancy. We'll see. I'm praying that the third time was a charm!

Dr. Shyu (my acupuncturist) said yesterday that he REALLY doesn't want to see me do IVF and that he's going to make this one work. I told him I'd appreciate that because I really don't want to do IVF either.

So can 19% of 21.25 million sperm please make sure that AT LEAST one of the 3 mature eggs implants into my nice, thick endometrium?

On another note, Scott and I changed our girl name...maybe. We've always been set on Kayla Faye and Joshua Grant. We changed Joshua to Aiden or Aidan last year because I don't like the nickname "Josh" and you can't say "Josh Snyder" without it sounding funky. Go ahead, try...see, funky! And we fell in love with Aiden/Aidan Grant. Well, now we've second guessing Kayla because of how many people around us that we know have used it. The other night we were going through names, and we landed on Madison. And I've been thinking of all that we've been through to make this baby, and like Faith - which is a morph of mom's name, Faye. So our little girl may end up as Madison Faith.

Now I just need a postive pregnancy test and we'll go from there.

I'm going to start testing tomorrow I think. I just can't wait.

9/23/08 - Frustrated Vent

I haven't allowed myself to cry about this until now. Really...ENOUGH already. I never, in all of the years that we've been trying to have a baby EVER thought that we'd really actually NOT be able to have one on our own. It's just beyond my scope of thinking, ya know. The only person I actually know who had IVF did it because she lost both of her tubes. I have all my parts, so it's just nutso that this is happening, and I'm SO freaking pissed off about it.

9/23/08 - Consult with Dr. Hinckley

Just came back from seeing Dr. H. She's not hopeful that IUI with injects is going to work for us because of my bad eggs and Scott's even worse sperm - said our odds were about 10 - 15% a month, which is lower than she originally said. That's a lower that a "normal" person trying on their own.

She said IVF with ICSI (where the shoot the sperm into the middle of the egg) is most likely our best shot from an "odds" perspective. That's the $15K a cycle process. She also said that because my FSH is high, I will not qualify for the shared risk money back program so we are straight out of pocket with no insurance coverage for it at all.

And, and it's a big AND...she wants my BMI at 28 before we start. I was planning to get under 30, but she says to get myself in the best shape, I really need to get to 28. So onward to 173 we go...22 pounds to lose in 3 months.

Time Span: 14 week(s) 2 day(s)
Pounds to Lose: 22
Pounds per Week: 1.54
Pounds per Day: 0.22

She said because my insurance covers 1/2 of the IUI cycles (minus the injects - about $1K a month), that we can go forward with doing 1 or 2 cycles so we don't sit doing nothing. So we take an injects class on Saturday. My beta test is on Tuesday. If it's negative, then will start our first IUI/inject cycle. We'll do one in October, one in late October/early November. December we stop, I go on birth control pills, and then boom...IVF it is.

So REALLY pray that I'm pregnant right now, because this was all really devastating news for us.

9/16/08 - IUI #3 is done!

Well, our sperm count is going down, but we still have more than enough to get the job done.

September: Total motile post-prep 21.25 million, 19% (4.037 million) normal morphology
August: Total motile post-prep: 45.6 million, 20% (9.12 million) normal morphology
June: Total motile post-prep: 54.4 million, 12% (6.528 million) normal morphology

Dr. Hinckley felt that I had at least 2, possibly 3 eggs that would be ready. I'm pretty crampy right now. She had a hard time getting the catheter past my cervix today for some reason, so she poked my uterus quite a bit.

So now we wait. September 30 is my test date. I will NOT be testing early this month, for the record. I am, however, very confident that we had such good timing this month!

Estimated due date: June 9, 2009. We'll miss Mother's Day, but maybe we'll make it for Father's Day!

9/14/08 - My first self-injection!

Right ovary: 21mm
Left ovary: 10mm, 13mm, 14mm, 16mm

I have to shoot myself in the belly with a needle in two hours and I'm SICK thinking about it. Aghhhh! Scott wants to videotape it and put it on You Tube. I'm just wondering if I should have him inject it or not.

The shot is HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), which is used to induce (or "trigger) ovulation. It is also the culprit of my positive test last cycle. It's the hormone that the tests measure for - your body starts producing HCG the minute an embryo implants in your uterine lining. Anyway, the shot will cause each mature follicles to release an egg. Then we go in 36 hours later for the IUI, which is tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. We're trying different timing this month...last cycle we did it 24 hours after trigger and that obviously didn't work. So we'll see.



Kay, all done. Didn't even feel the needle, but let me tell you - sticking myself with that thing was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I sat here for about 10 minutes thinking there is NO way.

9/6/08 - Infertility Ramble

When I'm with my neices, it's hard not to imagine what it would be like if they were mine. And people ask you ALL the time if you have children. And they don't mean to make you sad, I know this. The paramedics on Thursday asked "Any chance you are pregnant". I started crying, of course. And Mother's Day. God. Let me tell you how much THAT sucks. August was my cycle to get preggers to have a baby in my arms on Mother's Day, so I have to face that day again.

It's hard to find the balance for being sincerely happy for people who have families and can conceive and being insanely jealous that I can't have the same. At least not without a medical miracle, adoption, or possibly not at all. The fact that I do have to think about a child-free family makes me queasy, but it is a reality. I want the knitted gifts, and the baby shower, and the belly pics, ya know? But that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it for other people...there is just a little pain in my heart when I see it.

I'm technically on my fifth IUI cycle. The first was cancelled, the second was negative, the third I had that cyst, the fourth was negative, so this is my LAST oral med IUI. I have a consult with my RE for the end of my cycle to sit down and discuss the next step. I talked to my nurse about what to expect financially. My procedure costs will go up from $220 a cycle to $595 a cycle. That doesn't include the meds. The Clomid and Femara have been covered so far by my insurance, but I don't know if the injects will. Could costs us thousands. We're praying that is not the case. And injects...hello, either me or Scott are going to have to give me a shot EVERY day.

9/6/09 - Baseline for IUI #3

Went in for my ultrasound this morning. Left there in tears after they found a 28mm cyst on my left ovary this time. Dr. H sent me over for an Estradiol test. She said if it was under 50, we could move forward. My nurse just called and it was 39, so no break cycle. Yay!

9/3/08 - IUI #3 Schedule

September cycle calendar:

September 3 - CD1/PG blood test/acupuncture
September 5 - baseline ultrasound (checking for cysts)
September 5-9 - Femara meds
September 10 - acupuncture
September 15 - ultrasound and trigger shot
September 16 - IUI
September 17 - acupuncture
September 24 - acupuncture
September 30 - PG blood test

EDD: June 9, 2009

9/1/08 - BFN

Negative...false alarm. I'm not pregnant. Stupid that I thought I was.

8/31/08 - I just don't know

I'm trying not to get my hopes up...erring on the side of caution and assuming the worst so my heart isn't broken again. My temp being high might be from the Prometrium. So for everything that looks good...cramping, dizziness, food cravings, high temp, light line...there can be another reason for it. Sigh. But my temperature is UNREAL.



My test from Friday night was the darkest, then the one from Saturday morning is the one I posted previously...lighter than Friday's test. Last night, stark white 100% negative. This morning I can't tell if I'm fooling myself or not in thinking there is a line.



Sigh...I just want to know one way or the other. I thought today would bring that answer but now I'm even more confused. Maybe I should go buy a digital test that will say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and then call it a day.

8/30/08 - BFP or Trigger?

I shouldn't post this, because it's going to get all our hopes up. From this morning, it's VERY light - in fact, I can't see it in person but can see it on the computer screen. It very well may be a fluke, but we'll see! It's a First Response Early Response test, which you know is like the creme de la creme, besides the digi. I'll buy a digi if these get darker for me.



The only concern I'm having is that it might be the end of my trigger, which is an HCG shot. I tested it out with the cheapo internet ones and it was gone at 7dpo, but you know those are SO less senstive that the FRER. So I just have to wait and hope I didn't just crush my hopes by testing so early.

Oh, but look at my temp...it's the highest it's been! The orange line is this cycle.

IUI #2 - The 2WW

Looks like I did ovulate yesterday since my temp was up this morning. I just hope it was earlier, rather than later in the day. We didn't do the deed last night. I was crampy and exhausted. Oh, and let's not forget bitchy. So we pray that Scott's little dudes caught the egg(s) because as of right now, it's been 24 hours since they made their big dive into a cup, and they are officially dead.

It's gonna be a long 2 weeks. My blood test is on September 3.

8/20/08 - IUI #2 is done, now we wait

My IUI went well despite that the speculum was really pinching me this time. I actually got to see MY doctor for a change. What a shocker when she walked in - I usually see one of her partners!

I talked to her about my concern about bad timing each month; she said we'll look at it in September if this cycle doesn't work. She said you want the sperm there when you ovulate, which just pisses me off because in June when I came in the day after I ovulated, the Doctor (not mine) swore up and down that the timing was just perfect. Anyway, she thinks that the timing this cycle will be good, but told us to have sex tonight and tomorrow.

Walked across the hall for acupuncture right afterwards. Hopefully that will be a boost for us. It's supposed to really kick in after 3 months, and I'm in the third month of treatment.

Scott's post wash count (the amount of good sperm left) was 46.5 million and 20% of them were normal (9.3 million). That's not to say the other 80% don't count, but they are "abnormal" for whatever reason and may have a more difficult time breaking through the egg surface. In June, his count was 54.5 million with 8% normal (4.4 million), so this is better. So we're very pleased with his vitamin cocktail...it seems to be doing the job!

So now we wait. And pray. We pray A LOT!

8/19/08 - Time to trigger

I just came back from my ultrasound. I'm not real thrilled about my follicles, but I know it's better than nothing. They want them to be over 18.

Right side: 21, 14, 14
This is the side my cyst was on last month (47mm on CD13 in June, 36mm on CD3 in July, 13mm on CD3 in August). I'm praying that the 21 is the real deal, but worried it's the cyst.
Left side: 19

Triggered at 9:00 AM this morning (shot to induce ovulation).
IUI Wednesday at 10:00 AM.

8/11/08 - IUI #2 is a go!

We're all set! The cyst was down to 13mm (47mm in June, 36mm in July). My RE decided to move forward with this cycle. So I start Femara tonight, and the schedule above should be pretty accurate!!!!!

My mom told me the cutest story this morning while I was on the way there. She said a friend of hers, Annette, was reading a fiction book about a knitting circle. So one of the girls in the book is my age and has been struggling with infertility. The knitting circle decided that if they started knitting her a baby blanket, that she would get pregnant. So mom says' Annette tells her this story, then goes out to the car and comes back in with a knitting project and tells my mom that she's knitting me a baby blanket. I started bawling. You know, I didn't ask how the book ended. Maybe I won't ask.

8/8/08 - IUI #2, Take 2

Tentative August schedule...

August 11 - baseline ultrasound (checking for cysts)
August 11-15 - Femara meds
August 13 - acupuncture
August 20 - acupuncture, ultrasound and trigger shot
August 21 - IUI
August 27 - acupuncture
September 3 - acupuncture
September 4 - pregnancy blood test

EDD May 2009

7/13/08 - What's that...a cyst, you say? IUI cancelled, again.

Well heck. Cancel all of that. I'm on a forced break cycle. My 47mm follie turned in to a 36mm cyst in my ovary. So I'm on a break cycle this month, and if it is still there on CD3 next month, then I'll have a second break cycle on BCP's. This means no meds, no IUI's, but we can try on our own (like that has done a lot of good over the past 4 fucking years).

We just went for Mexican food and I drowned my sorrows in two top shelf margaritas and then cried big crocodile tears all the way home. Why does it have to be this freaking heartbreaking. I can't take it, honestly. I may be done sooner than later with this dream. I feel THAT bad today.

I'm not planning on temping, charting or using opk's this month, and I probably won't be checking the fertility board because it seems like everyone but me is getting preggers these days. Well, not just these days...for years now.

I feel like I need to find a little whole, crawl in it, and rock myself to sleep for a while. I'm just devastated.

7/11/08 - IUI #1 failed - IUI #2, here we come

I know it's hard to know what to say. Everyone wants to tell you things like "relax, it will happen when it's supposed to, when you stop trying it will happen, as soon as you adopt you'll get PG". Those are the things I HATE to hear, and I've been hearing them since 2004. But I remind myself that people are only trying to be helpful and encouraging.

It's SO hard. I can't really explain to you the depth of the pain of infertility. There are not words to describe it. You feel like a failure doing the ONE thing that our bodies, as women, were meant to do.

But onward we move...I'm not dwelling on the past. I go in today for a pregnancy test (they can't give you the meds until you have a negative test-nothing like rubbing it in, eh?). Sunday I go for an ultrasound (fun, dildocam during my period...can't wait), and start a prescription for Femara again. We'll do Femara/IUI cycles in July (23-24 should be the next insemination date) and August. September, October and November will be injectables (FSH shots) and IUI, and then in December we prep for IVF in January. I REALLY don't want to spend $15K to have a baby, but we'll do it if we have to.

For those of you following the calendar, here we go...

July 11 - pregnancy blood test
July 13 - baseline ultrasound (checking for cysts)
July 13-17 - Femara meds
July 16 - acupuncture
July 23 - acupuncture, ultrasound and trigger shot
July 24 - IUI
July 30 - acupuncture
August 6 - acupuncture
August 7 - pregnancy blood test

Ironically enough, my due date would be approximately April 17. Same week as my BIL's Kerry and Brent, my friend Tina's new baby girl Natalia, my nephew James, and Laurie's birth/death date. Crazy!

7/9/08 - IUI #1 Failed

Well "eff" me...negative test and a fat temperature drop. TOM should be here in full force tomorrow. I just don't understand why I can't get PG. This is SO freaking unfair. I'm sick of it. On to month number three of hormones and needles and way too many people between my legs. I'm starting to think I'm just not supposed to be a mom. My heart hurts today. I was prepared to not be bothered by this, but I'm SO freaking bothered.

7/7/08 - 2WW for IUI #1

I don't think the IUI worked...my temp dropped - okay, it took a dive today, and I've got TOM cramps. What the hell.