Thursday, January 28, 2010

Struggling along

This pregnancy has been so hard on me. I'm so worried that I'm going to lose the girls - and that worry comes daily...hourly.

I had red bleeding at 6 weeks. I had brown spotting every day from 7 weeks through 12.5 weeks. I had red bleeding at 11 weeks. I had a reprieve between 12.5 and 18 weeks. At 18 weeks I had brown spotting and cramping followed by an episode of red blood pouring out of me. I was put on bedrest where I've been since. I've been spotting brown since the bleed, and now I'm passing brown tissue and have a shooting pain in my cervix. I would swear that I was having Braxton Hicks in my sleep last night, too. I woke up at 2am and tossed and turned all night with a tight feeling in my uterus. I'm calling my OB today and hoping she can put my mind at ease a bit. I hate calling there...they always seem to make me feel like an my fear and worry isn't justified. Easy for them to feel that way though - I'm guessing they haven't been through what I have been through.

I'm on the fence with excitement. I'm so afraid to get too attached - not that I haven't already. I still feel like this is going to get taken away from me suddenly. I can't stop feeling that way and I hate it. Everyone says to enjoy pregnancy because it goes so fast. Sure, I'm loving feeling them squirm and kick inside of me, and I love that I finally look pregnant, but I have not had the opportunity to enjoy being pregnant because it's been so plagued with fear.

Those of you that pray, please pray. I can't lose these girls. I just can't.

UPDATE: I talked to Dr. V. She told me I should get into therapy because she doesn't anticipate that this bumpy road is going to get any smoother. She reminded me that there is nothing either of us can do to hurt or help my pregnancy - that the SCH and low lying placenta issues are completely out of my hands.

She said the tissue passing was normal. She said as long as it's not red, that my SCH isn't getting worse and isn't active - she said she has NO concern with any brown spotting, discharge or tissue.

She said the shooting pains in my cervix/vagina are normal.

She said that since I couldn't designate a beginning and end point that I am probably not having contractions, but it is just my uterus growing and adjusting.

She told me that SCH does increase my risk of losing them, but at this point there were no red flags (like active red bleeding) to indicate concern to her, but at the same time, she can't tell me that everything will be okay.

So I stay here laying down, taking one day at a time, praying we make it to the next milestone (24 weeks).


  1. {{hugs}} and prayers Jen... it is so hard when you've lost babies, but you've made it further than you ever have before, which is such a good sign! You'll find everything to worry about, and hopefully your OB can reassure you. Are you doing anything for stress management? The stress hormones aren't great for mothers (yeah, that's why we all spent our pregnancies freaked out!) but if there is anything you can do to distract yourself even for a few hours, that would help -- I wish I were closer, I'd come over with Emma and we'd help you out with whatever!! In the meantime, just sending more hugs and love to you and the girls -- you're over half-way there! Only 3 1/2 weeks until viability!!!

  2. Many hugs and prayers for you always.

  3. I am thinking about you. Don't be afraid to call your Dr!

  4. Sending love and prayers.

  5. Praying for you, Scott, and the girls! I can't begin to imagine how scary this must be for you and I'm sure its amplified by laying in bed all day. I hope you can come up with some fun things to do to at least try to keep your mind off of everything. I wish I knew what else to say. Just know I love you and am praying for the best! Can't wait to meet the girls! :)

  6. Oh honey I'm so sorry that you're so stressed. I have to admit that I'd be the same exact way because, like you - I've been there too...I will be praying for you and I think your doc is right - find a counselor that has experience dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss and TALK ABOUT YOUR FEARS! If you cant find a counselor then perhaps a clergy person can come and visit with you and pray with you once a week.

    I look forward to the day that you hold these beautiful, healthy little girls in your arms and cant wait to see pictures of them!

    I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for He is right beside me. Psalms 16:8

    May God's peace warm your heart and put your mind at ease.