Well, it's offiical...I'm PREGNANT!

Clearblue Easy Digital told me so! Ah...it's a beautiful thing!



I can tell you that my heart was beating out of my chest waiting for that loverly word. PREGNANT! Joy! I'm going to embrace each day of this pregnancy, and remain hopeful and optimistic that this little bug will land in our arms in June.

5dp5dt - What is that I see?

Two days ago we thought we saw a shadow of something. Yesterday we were sure we saw a line, but we weren't sure if it was real or an evaporation line. Today, well, today we're sure...it's a beautiful, pink line!



We're obviously VERY cautious at this point, but we're very excited too. This is our second chance at having a June baby or two. Or three. Uh oh!

My beta is on Saturday. Please GOD let it be a good one! We're begging and pleading for a healthy baby.

EDD June 13, 2010

4dp5dt - Well, I dunno...I see something, I think

Okay, what the heck. Light as light can be...in fact, I'm sure you won't be able to see it. I'm still not sure if we can see it in person, but we think we can. Those of you that are professional HPT analyzers will do okay, but the rest of you need to back away from the screen and don't look too hard. ;-)



It's still a day earlier than I tested positive for my previous transfer, and things are progressively going in the right direction, but I'm not ready to claim this is a positive yet.

As Karen would say...

...I think I see where the line is SUPPOSED to be. Keep in mind, it's WAY too early for me to be testing so I will not be upset if no one else can see it. Heck, I'm not sure I can see it, and Scott thinks it's an optical illusion. Yep, I'm trippin for sure! But this gives me a tiny glimmer of hope to get through until tomorrow night!



And tweaked at 100% saturation...

3dp5dt - I'm just not feeling it...

I pray to God that I am wrong. I wasn't feeling it at 3dp5dt after my IVF either, and three days later I got a BFP. Here's to Wednesday, and the hope for two pink lines!

It's amazing that my boobs don't hurt considering how many times I've smashed the hell out of them over the past 24 hours. But unfortunately, nothing. Not one iota of tenderness to speak of. Sigh. Such is life, right?

Symptoms to take note of:
* Crampy in my uterus - often off to the right side only. Funny, since there is no corpus luteaum to cause any pain. Who knows...I had this same thing going on last month. Cramps are usually a good sign for me, but she fished around a lot doing my transfer, so my cervix could be yelling back at me.
* Little bouts of nausea here and there, but not enough to make me think, hey, morning sickness. It's too early anyways. But oh how I would love to barf right about now.
* Serious hot flashes yesterday. Turn the A/C on. Turn it off. Turn it on. Then again, it was 100 degrees.

I can't imagine this not working. It has to work. I told my girlfriend, Pam, that I'd almost rather have another m/c then to get a BFN. How sick is that? My mind is surely twisted and jaded from the past year. I SO want to move on with my friends and be pregnant. I don't want to be left TTC into a 6th year.

Lord, please hear my prayers.

2dp5dt - Bring on the symptoms!

Well I was super crampy Friday and Saturday, but absolutely nothing today. Could have been implantation, but I woke up with a bad feeling that this transfer has failed. Not a good morning. I have been optimistic about every single transfer I've had, but for some reason, I'm not feeling it this time. I don't want to feel that way but I do, and I really hope I'm wrong. I looked back through my journal, and I need sore boobs and AF cramps to come on Monday/Tuesday. So BRING it on please.

9/25/09 - It's TRANSFER day!!!

I battled with the decision of 3 vs. 4 all day yesterday, and even waking up this morning wondered if I should call and have #4 thawed. As I was getting ready, I put on my necklace from my miscarriage group - three pearls on a lily pad, I put on my bracelet from my Miracle Chaser support group - three butterflies, I thought of my three angels in heaven, and that physic that kept saying she saw the number three. Our embryos had no thaw issues, and three little ones are now in my womb. My beta is on the 3rd, ironically enough. I'm no longer questioning my decision. The message doesn't get any more clearer than that!



Here are our cold, lil' snowbabies all cuddled up still. We all laughed about the one that is flat on the side, and agreed that s/he took after daddy's side of the family.

9/24/09 - What to do, what to do???

Our dilema...I have four day 6 blasts in the lab (4BB, 4BB, 4BB-, 3BB-). My transfer is tomorrow and my RE is waiting on my decision to put in the lab order:

Your name is written on my hand as I remembered last night when I was in a meeting that I hadn’t circled back to you. (Luckily I didn’t shower it off this morning!)

I heard back, and Dr Ivani, the lab director, did not feel it would be good to thaw and biopsy and rethaw your 4th embryo. It could be done, but not great if it was in fact a healthy embryo to impact it in such a way. Therefore she recommended either 4 or just 3 and save the 4th. Several of the docs were OK with 4 embryos to transfer given your situation. I am still uncomfortable with that as I have seen triplets in folks like you. However, If you want all 4, I will do that.

Please email me back with the number you want as I need to put the lab orders in today. Cant wait!

Here is the deal though, if we have to do IVF again, we're doing PGD testing, so this fourth blastocyst, if we don't transfer it now, may never get transferred. BUT, I do not want to carry more than two babies. I'm not sure my body can handle it at this age and I don't want the risk to the babies.

**********************

I think I'm leaning towards three, just because I do not want to carry trips and I absolutely will NOT reduce. But ugh...then I lean back to four because of the chromosomal issues. I guess I'm still very much mulling it over. LOL! I told her I'd have an answer by 11:00 AM. One more hour.

**********************

Okay, done deal! I'm very much at peace with this decision.

My message:

After racking my brain of every scenario vs. outcome, I’ve decided that I would like to thaw and transfer three. If there is any quality degradation, I would like to thaw the fourth and transfer it as well. I figured that is the closest way of putting this decision into God’s hands – we’ll let the embryos decide.

RE's immediate response:

I think that is a great decision, and as I said before, if the 1st 3 don’t make it despite looking good, I doubt the 4th would have been the solution. If there is any question about the quality upon thaw, I will have the lab thaw the 4th.

9/23/09 - Ouch!

My shots have been hurting. The PIO needle and Lovenox meds are both stinging like mad. But on we go...it's for baby! Babies!

9/18/09 - FET #2 date set!

My transfer date is locked in!!! I start progesterone shots and suppositories on Sunday, steroid and antibiotic on Tuesday, transfer is on Friday. My beta to confirm pregnancy is 10/3. My due date will be June 12, 2010. My due date from my first pregnancy was June 9, 2009.

9/17/09 - FET #2 Ultrasound

Back in the saddle...here we go again!

Heading in for an ultrasound and bloodwork today. Today's appointment is to check to make sure I don't have active follicles - the body has to be suppressed for a frozen embryos transfer so we don't want my natural cycle interfering with the medical override, and to make sure my uterine lining is nice and thick. If all is well, I will start progesterone shots, a steroid and an antibiotic in the coming week and transfer will be next week.

Dr. H doesn't think four will happen after all, so we're back to three for now. RSC is very conservative about preventing high order multiples. She had to send an email to all of the doctors at the clinic. They each will review my history and decide on three or four. She feels that ultimately she won't get the majority to approve transferring four. We'll see.

Still waiting on the call for my transfer date. I'm anxious to have a final schedule!

9/8/09 - FET #2 Schedule

Okay, here we go!

9/05/09 - CD1
9/06/09 - Start Estrogen & Baby Aspirin
9/17/09 - Ultrasound/Estrogen Test/Acupuncture
9/19/09 - Start Progesterone Shots
9/25/09 - Transfer 3-4 Embryos/Pre & Post Acupuncture
10/3/09 - Beta!!!
6/12/10 - Due Date!!!

9/7/09 - AF with a vengeance

AF came on with a VENGEANCE on Saturday morning. HEAVY bleeding, bad cramping. We didn't let it put a damper on our weekend, but it was quite the nuisance. Started estrogen on Sunday. Frozen embryo transfer will be the week of 9/21. Due date: June 2010!!!!!

8/20/09 - D&C Follow-up Appt

Good appt today. Ovaries are working, egg white CM is active (estrogen pumping) and I've got follicles cooking. My lining looked GREAT, triple stripe - slightly thicker on the side the baby implanted on but no complications from the D&C. Whew!

The pathology reports were back. My baby was a girl. I am crying SO hard right now. She had a severe and very rare chromosomal abnormality called tetrapoloid. When the emybyo was dividing, one of the cells got on the wrong side and continued to divide. A normal baby is 46XX or 46XY. She was 92XXXX – four times the normal chromosomes. A tetraploid baby is not compatible with life, so she never would have made it.

Dr. Hinckley shocked the shit out of me. I said "so I should call you when I get the 2nd AF"? And she said "No, call me when you get the next one and we'll start getting you ready for next transfer". We're going to transfer three this time, and if there is any quality degradation, then we'll transfer four. Yikes! Quads!

She said AF should show in about two weeks. That would put transfer around September 20 - 26. Any babies conceived would be due late June/early July 2010.

Back in business!

8/11/09 - A precious gift

I received THE most precious gift today from two girls from my November miscarriage support group. Everyone in that group is pregnant again but me. They sent this (the one on the right) saying that they thought it was a gentle way for me to carry my three babies (one pearl for each) with me. I am so touched.


Photo courtesy of Red Envelope.

8/8/09 - Recovering

Just spotting again this morning, but I'm keeping this flight landing diaper of a pad in place just in case. Do y'all know how much I HATE these "regular" panties too. I miss my thongs.

8/8/09 - Feeling horrible

My boss told me when I left work yesterday that I looked really bad, very pale. I came home from work with a headache...migraine actually, that I had been fighting the whole afternoon. I took my Colace and motrin at 6:30 and went to bed. Yes, at 6:30 PM. Woke up at 3:30 to pretty bad cramping. ***TMI***Got up, went to the bathroom and I was covered in blood. My panties, my PJs, and it had just hit the sheets. Scott was so sweet to change the sheets while I was cleaning myself up. I passed a few rather large clots...lining I suppose. My RE had told me that she had taken less rather than more because she didn't want to scar my uterus. I guess my body has just kicked in to clean out the rest. I seem to be okay this morning - just heavy bleeding. My head still hurts and my face is swollen like I cried all night even though I didn't. I guess I'll be laying VERY low this weekend.

This SUCKS.

8/4/09 - Feeling so alone

I don't really need anyone to be there, per say, since the physical part of this will happen in a hospital. My mom will be with me tomorrow, and tomorrow will be the worst of it, I'd imagine.

But a phone call saying, "Is there anything I can do" or something like that would have been nice. I always get the "I haven't called because I don't know what to say". And they don't even call me about their own drama because they don't want to add additional stress. I feel like infertility has completely isolated me from my friends and ruined my life. I hate it.

8/3/09 - 6w6d - D&C Scheduled

No heartbeat. No growth. I'm having a D&C Wednesday so they can test the baby/placenta to see if it's an abnormal male/female or a normal male/female.

Scott and I had a pitcher of margaritas tonight...whew...I'm QUITE the light weight these days.

I'll stay on progesterone for two more days to keep from m/c naturally. The whole reason for the D&C is so we can test the baby/placenta and get some answers. My mom will come out tomorrow night and stay over to take me. Scott started back to teaching this week and there is no reason for him to be there for this.

Numb...just numb.

7/31/09 - 6w3d - Threatened Miscarriage

I had SEVERE cramping in the middle of the night. Fully expected to wake up covered in blood. I never did talk to my RE yesterday, but I need to talk to her today. This cramping was not normal. It was far worse than any TOM cramping I've ever had. It was right up there with my m/c cramps in November. I don't think my pregnancy will make it. I do think my body is trying to expel this baby.

My ultrasound today confirmed what I was feeling. No yolk sac, no heartbeat, just a little fetal pole measuring at 6 weeks with no cardiac activity. I've been downgraded from "High Risk Pregnancy" to "Threatened Miscarriage". I go in on Monday to confirm that there is still no heartbeat, and then I'll be scheduled for a D&C next week. She said that based on how horrific my November m/c was that she didn't want me to go through that again, and she wants to be able to test the fetus for defects.

We'll transfer two more frozen blastocysts, then we'll move on to another fresh cycle before the end of the year and save the two other frozen blasts for later.

This is so unreal.

7/30/09 - Bleeding Scare

Had a scare last night. Thought it was over. I was sitting on the couch and got bad period cramps. Went to the bathroom and had red blood. Got out the "miscarriage panties" and a pad. Expected it to be over this morning - even talked to my nurse about it last night. This morning there was nothing on the pad. I have brown spotting (old blood), but cramping is gone and no red blood. I have NO idea what is going on, but I'm thankful for another day of this pregnancy.

7/29/09 - 6w1d Ultrasound

I don't have a good update, but it could be worse. So there is a baby, and s/he is growing, but s/he is growing VERY slowly. We were able to see a dot of a baby. She couldn't measure my yolk sac because it was blending in with the edge of the gestational sac and the placenta (if I understood her correctly) and she couldn't get a clear enough image of the edges. She *thought* she could see cardiac activity when we zoomed in, but barely. She said she had hoped to have seen more today based on where I was on Sunday. It really can go either way for us at this point. I go back in on Monday at 4:15 to see if there is a heartbeat or not.

7/27/09 - 5w6d - I'm a little bit angry

Beta was 5503, which is average for 26dpo, but not that great considering where I was at 20dpo. It really could go either way. We could be repeating my pregnancy from last year, or we could be okay. The next appointment will be the turning point...either there will be a heartbeat, or there will not. If there isn't, then this probably isn't going to end well for me.

I'm relatively calm. Maybe numb is more like it. A little bit angry that something that comes all too easy for so many people is so heartbreaking and difficult for me. Like I'm cursed or being punished. I just don't get it. But it is what it is. I can't change it...all I can do is hope for the best.

7/26/09 - 5w5d - Measuring behind :(

Well, we saw a gestational sac measuring behind at 5 weeks (should be 5w5d), and the yolk sac which I couldn't see, but the RE did. No fetal pole yet. She didn't seem concerned - said this was exactly what she expected to see at this stage, but the fact that we are measuring behind (again) concerns me.



Waiting on my beta/P4 still. I was scheduled for my 6 week u/s on Tuesday, but we moved it out to Friday so we have a better shot at seeing a heartbeat. This is just ALL to similar to my first pregnancy/loss. All I can do is pray and have hope for this little one.

I hate that I have so much fear and so little joy about something that should be the absolute BEST thing in my life.

7/25/09 - 5w4d - Spotting and Cramping

Looks like I might be losing #3. Cramping and spotting. I have an appointment tomorrow for my blood draw to see if my HCG has dropped. It's not looking good at all. I just can't even believe this is happening to me.

ETA: Just got off the phone with Sara. They're going to do an u/s tomorrow. Hopefully we see a little heart beating away. Hopefully.